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Post by trist on Feb 11, 2004 17:11:23 GMT -5
Jealousy is a razor
Sharp and cold
Cutting out your heart
Plundering your soul.
Written by me.
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Post by Kolava on Feb 11, 2004 17:12:45 GMT -5
It's a bit short.
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Post by PaulAVincent on Feb 11, 2004 20:04:50 GMT -5
Hmm... Add some to it, that's a good opening verse. Just take it and work on it more to add a bit. You could cite more examples of what jelousy is... for example....
Jealousy is a razor,
Sharp and cold,
Cutting out your heart,
Plundering your soul.
Jealousy is a tattoo,
Perminant and unforgiving,
Holding on to you forever,
To be there through death and living.
Jealousy is a smile,
Deceitful and unforseen,
Hard to read benieth the lines,
Easy to feel the sting.
Jealousy is a cloudy day,
Gloomy and full of rain,
The lightning caused the surface wound,
But it's you who caused the pain.
This is just an example, I'd expand on it in a way like this, with your own thoughts and words to express where you want the poem to go.
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Post by kiakblackthorne on Feb 12, 2004 12:23:11 GMT -5
Poems don't have to be long.
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Post by Cherise on Feb 13, 2004 7:53:45 GMT -5
I like short poems. ^________^
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Post by Kolava on Feb 13, 2004 15:15:47 GMT -5
Sort poems are nice when they are self-contained, but Trist's piece here seems like the begining of a longer poem. Paul had the right idea; I think Trist should just elaborate on what he has.
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Post by Cherise on Feb 13, 2004 19:17:58 GMT -5
Eh, he could. Just a suggestion. But I still like it regardless.
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Post by PaulAVincent on Feb 14, 2004 1:16:55 GMT -5
Wasn't saying there was anything wrong with it, just saying it looked like it would be nice to expand more on. Hope I didn't sound like I meant something was wrong, just giving my advice as a fellow writer.
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Post by Cherise on Feb 14, 2004 8:38:34 GMT -5
Woot. - waves a banner, then goes back to bed. randomness. -
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