Alone with her thoughts

[LadyGelinaGrey]

As Gelina sat in the library at her desk shuffling through paper after paper, she stopped a moment and turned staring out the window. It was dark and cold, but very still. Her mind began to wander. She thought of everything that she had been through, everything the Kingdom had been through, and everything that those close to her had been through.

She was glad that Paul had come back around again. It was good to have him home even if he did lurk around invisible alot. His presence was still calming to her in a way.

Kia, she was so happy that her and Kia had made up. She had missed her all those years that they didn't speak. Kia was a part of her family that had been missing. Now she was home.

Maggie, oh how she worried about Maggie. Seeing her frail form that night she helped her up to her chamber. Maggie was always so strong. Seeing what the rebellion had done to her just tore Gelina up.

Nicho, she worried for him too, but not because he was weak. But because he was still a target in this whole thing.

Desari, her sister. Her thoughts had gone to her often wondering if she was alright, and how she was doing at Ravenswood. She missed her so much and wished she was with her. She missed having her strength to lean on.

Raine, with Archelo not showing up the night of the wedding, she knew that Raine had locked herself up in the estate. She hadn't been able to get over there to see her and check on her. She certainly didn't feel like a good friend to her right now.

The kingdom itself, she prayed to the Goddess to help guide her in making the right decisions for the kingdom and the people. She now carried a lot of weight on her shoulders and hoped that she could carry it with a straight back and with pride. She was proud of her accomplishments as she had worked hard. She didn't want her position to go to her head. She didn't want the people to see her as a greedy power hungry woman that would change. She wanted to remain the same person. Oh she knew that somethings would have to change, like her holding her tongue and keeping her temper in check, but she didn't want to turn snooty or cocky. That frightened her most of all. She had gained the trust and respect of the people and those of all things she didn't want to loose. She loved this place with all she was.

With a heavy sigh she turned back around and looked at the papers on her desk. A lot of paperwork had come with this position. Not that she minded. She loved her work. It kept her busy. But even as she worked on the public scrolls her mind still wandered to those that she loved. Even Caelum and Summer.

She missed Summer terribly and wished that none of this ever happened. She missed her bond with Caelum. They were so close. She just didn't understand what had gotten into him to make do what he did. She tried going over it and over it in her head and just couldn't understand it to save her soul. She thought of the granddaughter that Summer carried. Would she ever get to see her? Would Caelum allow it? She shook her head to herself and got up from her desk and began to wander around the library, row by row, running her fingers along the bindings of the books, the history, the writings of so many. She was blessed to have such a job. The keeper of history and stories. Information and heartfelt journals.

So much had happened lately. She had been so caught up in the politics of things that she hadn't once thought of herself, until tonight. She was so worried about the others.

Then her thoughs suddenly drifted to Sareania. She hadn't seen her in so long. The last time she had seen her the devil himself ripped her from her arms. She had vowed to go into hell herself and bring her back when suddenly all hell had broken loose in the kingdom, redirecting her attentions. She stopped at the end of one of the rows and looked up seeing the books go all the way up to the ceiling. So high up. She knew in her soul that Sareania was alive. She just didn't know where.

As her thoughts continued to drift over those that she loved, she walked over to the couch by the fireplace and curled up in a blanket just staring into the flames. Things seemed so scattered and out of place. She hoped it was just her and that everything was really alright. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes trying to relax. As she drifted off to sleep, the last things that went through her mind was that she hoped she was fit for this job. She just wanted to do things right and not screw it all up this time. She just wanted to prove that she could do this.

[kiakblackthorne]

(( Just curious and all.. who is Sareania? Remember how long I was out of the loop. )

[LadyGelinaGrey]

(Sareania is one of Rayna's "sisters". She is queen of Rising Dawn, a kingdom that Gelina belongs too and is Ambassador of. She is also the one that brought Gelina back after Nicho rezzed her a druid. Sareania put her spirit and her soul back with her dragon again making her whole, then nursed her back to health.)

[kiakblackthorne]

( Thank you! )

[LadyGelinaGrey]

As usual she was up late working in the library. She worked better in the middle of the night as there were no interuptions. She steadily worked on the public scrolls and other things that Nicho had asked for. But as hard as she tried, she just couldn't concentrate, her thoughts kept wandering away from her work.

She was so engulfed in her thoughts that she didn't even feel Paul's presence this time as she looked up and out the window...remembering. As memories and emotions surfaced tears began to run down her face. Caelum, Summer, whom she missed terribly. Again she thought of her granddaughter that she may never see and almost choked holding back a soft cry.

She shivered at the image of Caelum on that black steed of his, the look in his eyes, the chill he gave off that night, the one that cut right through her. She closed her eyes and shook her head to clear that thought. But it didn't clear everything. Her mind filled with more as quickly as she would rid herself of the one before.

The threats, the slander, the nasty missives. Was this why Paul left? Why Kia left? Why so many before her washed their hands of this job? Would she crumble under the pressure? The choked back cry she held in finally escaped her and she broke down in her chair as the flames in the hearth dwindled letting a chill in the library take over.

She didn't know how long she had sat there crying as she finally looked up seeing the fire completely out. It was still dark outside and now darker in the library save the candle that burned on the corner of her desk. She looked back out the window. It was snowing again. A fresh blanket over the old that covered the ground. Is that was she was doing? Putting a blanket on what she felt inside? Keeping it covered up? She had been told once that a leader had to bury their emotions. Not to let them affect her decisions. But it was hard to bury them for the people that she loved. How was she going to get through this? How was she going to learn to be both a friend and a leader? Is it possible to be both? She shook her head beginning to believe that it was impossible.

Figuring it was somewhere close to sunrise she blew out the candle on her desk and put aside her work for the night, then rose slowly from her desk and made her way up the back stairs to her chambers closing her door quietly behind her. She stripped off her clothes and crawled into her huge bed burying herself under the wool blankets and fur pelts not bothering with a fire in the small hearth in her room. She lay there a bit longer wondering if sleep would claim her. Although fitful, slumber crept up on her, but only for a short time.

[LadyGelinaGrey]

Well it was over. Caelum was gone. Summer and her child were gone. Maggie had made a decision from what she understood and her thoughts began to level out. she had been locked up between the library and her chambers for days and had only today finally talked to someone. Nicho. She had been horribly upset that he had excepted the unnecessary death match with Caelum. But knew he did what he had to do. Now she stood in the library, dressed in black, inwardly mourning the death of someone that had meant alot to her. Though in the end he had blamed her for everything.

Then there was Summer and her granddaughter. The granddaughter that she would never get to see. Now it was her turn to cast the blame. And she blamed Caelum for what had happend to Summer and their daughter. He didn't treat her well since they had been banished and she knew it to be true from the converstaion she had had with Summer a while back out on the beach. She and others had lost enough because of this struggle for power. Isn't this enough? Does there have to be more? She surely hoped not.

A sharp pain had tore through her the night Caelum died. Even though he locked her out of his mind, there was that small bit of bond left that could have never been broken. The pain had brought her to her knees in her bedroom that night after she had seen Nicho in the Sacred Grove with Sil. She knew that he was in good hands with Sil and let them be, knowing Nicho would come to her in time.

Maybe her locking herself away was her way of mourning all that had happened. Maybe it was her way of not dealing with it at all. But she just couldn't face anyone for a while. Too much had happened. Too much pain, too much anger and too much had confused her mind.

Now finally everything was clear. She knew what she had to do. She had to emerge from this dark place she had been keeping herself and she needed to do what was expected of her. She had duties to the kingdom and she had been lacking on them severely.

She lifted her chin and looked out the window. "No more.." she said to herself softly. She would now do her job as it should be done. She would work for the people. She would protect her king. And she would follow the rules. No more blown tempers, no more harsh words. Words would even be a last resort. She was now going to just do her job and speak out only when it needed to be done. She buried all her anger..all her pain and all her emotions, becoming the cold person she swore she would never be. But if that is what it was going to take to do her job, so be it.

She turned from the window and moved up the back stairs to the second floor and into her chamber. She peeled off that black dress and doned her black leathers, setting her sword on her belt. her long red hair had been cut in recent days and now hung just past her shoulders. she took it up and tied it back with a thin leather lace and walked out of her chamber and down the main stairs. she grabbed her cloak by the front the door and made her way out to the stables to get Shadow and ride the borders of GM.

[Kolava]

I'm glad that, even after OOC debates, we can still get some quality RP done in the end. That's what seperates us from most of Rhydin, and is why I'm proud to be a member.

[LadyGelinaGrey]

It's been a while now since the uproar in the kingdom and Caelum's death. It's been so quiet around the castle that it has actually frightened her. She hadn't spent as much time around the castle as she would have liked, but she had been trying to make an effort. After Caelum's death she, like so many others, hid herself and her emotions. She still misses him sorely and actually wished he was with her the night that the Orcs had tried kill Nicho. When the realization that he was really gone shot through her, it was more painful than she ever dreamed.

As she moved back to her desk from the rows of shelves, she glanced out the window thinking of how things used to be. Now things seemed....seperated somehow. Severed. She was blessed with family and friends, but had lost so much in her life that it was starting to catch up with her. She just wasn't happy anymore and it showed in her work. She had been lacking in her duties to the kingdom and to the people. She felt horrible and prayed that they would all forgive her short comings. She knew she was more than capable of the job, she just didn't have the same drive that she did a few months ago. She sat down and looked at the stack of missives on her desk and began to sift through them opening them one by one, reading them then jotting down what she needed too in her logs. As she wrote, her mind wandered again to some of the people that she cared for the most.

Maggie. She hadn't seen her since they got Kolava's scarf back and was beginning to worry about her. She could sense that she was happy with Kyo and her family, but she worried for her emotional state when it came to withdrawing from her home here in the kingdom and the death of her Ulfric. She hadn't had a chance to talk to her about it and that is what worried her.

Paul. She hadn't seen him for a while, nor sensed him. Maybe he was watching her like he usually does, but she had been so into her own solitude that she probably didn't sense him near.

Nicho. He seemed to be the only one that she really communicated with anymore. He was the only one that seemed to understand the state that she was in at the present time. And she was thankful for that.

Tona. Oh how she missed him. They both knew full well that starting something between them probably wasn't a good idea...but they really liked each other and she wasn't about to let him slip past her that easily. He is a wonderful man and he respected her, something none of the other men in her life ever did. She knew that he would be back to see her she just didn't know when, and that was the hard part. But wait for him she would.

The thought of Tona brought a smile to her face. The first one in a long long time. She stood up and blew out the candles and made her way up the back stairs to her chambers and closed the door behind her before moving to her window seat and curling up with a blanket. It was so still outside, quiet, like the calm before the storm. Was something going to happen? Was something on it's way? She didn't sense anything but that didn't mean it wasn't there. It has been too damn quiet lately as she went back to her earlier thoughts. "Tis scary when it's this quiet" she whispers to herself then leans her head on the frame of the window and takes a deep breath. "Something has to give...it can't stay like this..." She had tried to get some suggestions from the HC about getting the kingdom active again, but it didn't go as well as she would have liked. She pulled her blanket up over her legs and closed her eyes. Maybe a bit of a nap would ease her mind, then she would go back downstairs to see who might be home.

[LadyGelinaGrey]

Later that night after the mass spar with the others, she stayed in her room tending to her wounds. But the more she thought about it, the more it hurt. Not her wounds...but her heart. Even after her talk with Syn she didn't feel much better. What was tearing her up inside could only be put back together by one person. And right now...she thought that to be impossible.

Getting back to her room from Syn's tower, she crawled into bed and laid there, but she couldn't sleep. Staring into the darkness of her chamber since the moon was now covered by incoming clouds that were bringing the spring rains. She had to find a way to settle this, to lay it to rest. But how? How do you talk to a dead person that hates you? Oh sure she had talked to people after they had passed on...but what about the ones where you were partily responsible for their death?

A lump formed in her throat again as she tried not to cry, but it didn't work. She laid there and sobbed for the death of her best friend...the one that betrayed her...the one that she betrayed too in the end. It was the first time she had openly cried for him, and just like the rain outside her window, her tears didn't show any sign of stopping anytime soon.