It's Time...

[LadyGelinaGrey]

I have some things to say, and it will probably make some people very unhappy, but I have come to a few conclusions this past week and I have made a decision.

First of all,l I want to say that I love all of you very much and I appreciate all of you being my friends and being there for me when I needed to escape my crappy life. When I was down there were certain people that kept my spirits up. You know who you are.

Second, everyone needs to know that my decisions and opinions that follow pertain to what I have seen lately in the kingdom and what has been on my mind for a long time.

I have always sat and wondered why people were so intent on destroying GoldenMyst and it's members. Why they ridiculed and called us names. Why they insisted that it was a dictatorship. Why Caelum did what he did.

Well, now I know. I put myself on the outside of the kingdom and looked in instead of being right in the middle of it letting it blind me. Now for the most part I don't regret the times I defended the kingdom, or my actions, but there are a few things that I do regret.

I regret coming back from time off in February. I should have used that as my out. I didn't. I was under the impression that I was 'needed'. I'm not. And I know it and all of you know it, so please don't try to post and tell me that I am. I regret not seeing the real problems here. I regret loosing my temper several times, I regret quitting more than once, and I regret not saying something or doing something wise and mature much much sooner.

There simply comes a time in one's rp life when they must move on. That time has come for me. I don't enjoy it anymore, it's not fun. The only thing that is left that I actually enjoy is working on the website. And even in that area I have monkeys on my back.

I sat back and watched for a while as a sl unfolded. I didn't like what I saw. I saw moding, and selfishness, and total disrespect for the mun who started the sl. I look back now and I see alot wrong doings in the entire Caelum/Election/Death SL. I finally see that I myself have been guilty of doing the same thing to people. My stubborn ways and emotional nature crossing over into my rp. It was wrong.

I thought that after the SL with Caelum was over, things would even out and everything would be alright. It didn't. It actually drained everyone of their spirit to play. It was sad. Even I took some time off.

I have made alot of mistakes. Mistakes that have cost me dearly. Some I was able to correct. I almost lost a great friend, and I have lost some along the way too. My character, Gelina, was never meant to be perfect. She was meant to be a warrior and do something great. I believe I accomplished that, but with too many sacrifices. My goal from the minute I understood rp and the kingdom two years ago was to get to the top. I never wanted the kingdom, that's not my style, but I worked hard and I got her to where I wanted her. Though now looking back I did it in such a way that it makes me sick.

I wanted SiC. I felt I deserved it. And even though Caelum offered it to her as well as Nicho, I was afraid of loosing everything and sided with Nicho, knowing that it would garauntee the position. There were selfish reasons behind everything I did. And I didn't care who it hurt to get what I wanted. That was wrong. I am not like that in real life, I'm truly not. I was swept up in the SL and then it all began to meld together and I couldn't seperate it anymore. That's when I hurt Anthony, Caelum mun. I was so blind. And there have been many times that I have talked out of both sides of my mouth, as Maggie mun would say. Looking back I did it alot, and I began to feel that I was not worthy of friendships and people's trust.

I have had alot happen to me in the past three months or so. Some of it good, most of it bad. I have alot to deal with IRL right now and I can't handle the added stress of rp on top of what I have to do. Lately I have been bashed again, mostly for the roster that Kyle and I came up with. Accused of not giving a "rat's ass" about people, being "high and mighty" and simply ridiculed for who I am. I am open, opinionated and loud. I always have been. I speak my mind. I have that right. I am tired of being told that I don't have a right to say anything. Or that all I do is 'bitch'. Since becoming SiC, I have held my tongue more than I ever did. Knowing that the position required more finess than I was capable of. So I tried to fake it. Not good. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. Being SiC was a personal goal, not based on greed, but on the fact that I never follow through with anything in life. This time I did. I didn't give up until I had it. I am horrible as following through on anything in my life. RP was the one thing that I had complete control over and I knew that I could take Gelina all the way. It was a personal accomplishment. But it came with a price and it wasn't worth it.

[LadyGelinaGrey]

I have seen alot of people come and go in the time that I have been here. I have seen the pain of those that put their heart and soul into GM like I did. I now understand why, way back when, Kia, Paul and Maggie took a few steps back and pulled their characters. GM has a way of sucking you in and keeping you. And you have to fight like hell to get out. And it hurts. Watching Paul leave, Maggie go astray, Caelum die, Kia fade into the shadows, it's sad. All wonderfully talented rp'ers. I learned from each and every one of them. Hell if it wasn't for Paul, I wouldn't even know how to use dice.

Then there is Kyle. Whom I love to death. I have gotten to know him on a personal basis and I know that he doesn't do that with too many people and I am honored that he calls me a friend. Alot of people don't understand alot of what he does or thinks but I understand most of it. However, I do see where Nicho has made alot of mistakes. Now like I said, I am not perfect, but neither is anyone else. I can see why Caelum wanted Nicho off the throne. And I know at this point that Kyle is going to be hurt with what I am going to say. But I can't help that anymore. And it's not a personal dig, but what I have to say needs to be said out loud.

When you (the general public) rp, you can't change the rules or the SLs to suit what you think is the right way. You can't stop people from being derogetory to one another by deleting posts (ok that one is personal, but true) and you can't stop people from speaking their minds. This board is the perfect example of free speech, as is most of the net. Deleting posts takes away that right. As much as I may have agreed with some of the posts being taken down, it was mostly because they were posts that bashed me personally. Again, the selfishness of it all.

I am not good at taking constructive critisism. I suck at it actually. People make suggestions and I take them as insults. I see that now. With that in mind I don't belong in the position that I am in. Maybe there is someone out there that is better for it than I am. I don't care about the pts anymore or the experience. Even the dice are not important anymore. Gelina has become stagnant and has "plateaued" as far as characters go. There is no where left for her to go, position wise, there is nothing in her life to keep her here. I have felt for over a year now that Gelina was a target for anything from cirtisism to personally bashing the mun. Me. I just don't understand why. Because I am outspoken? Because I don't take shit from people? Because I stand by my beliefs? Who knows. But at the age of 35 I have had enough. I didn't create Gelina to be everyone's scape goat.

Now this is not a self pity party, this is simply me telling what I have seen and how I feel. I remember when I found rp, I was so excited. It was something I was good at. No one even knew that I was newbie when I was because I had a natural talent for telling a story. I pride myself on that and I have started a novel since realizing it.

I don't know if any of you will care, I know some of you won't, but it's time for Gelina to come to an end. It was a great run. Oh there are a few things I would go back and change, but for the most part I loved having her grow and change along the way. And I owe alot of that to the friends and charries that I have met here online. She wouldn't be who she is without certain key people. Again, you know who you are. Now I won't be leaving RP completely, I have another character that is fun, carefree and loving, but will never have the oppertunity to move up simply because of who they are. And that's fine with me. No more politics, no more 'paperwork', no more decision making, no more catching hell for making a decision, no high rank. Just simple, belly laughing fun. I need that in my life right now. Gelina mirrors too much of my personal life and rp isn't an escape anymore.

I will be initiating a SL that will result in Gelina's demise. Whether or not she is mourned or remembered is up to all of you. I don't expect either. All I ask is that if you are my friend, you will understand that this is what I have to do. I knew I couldn't play her forever. If you want to participate in the SL you are more than welcome. If you don't want too and you are pissed at me for my decision to end Gelina, that's fine too. I created her, she's mine to do with what I want. This is not a cop out, this is not me running away, this is me putting away a character who's time has come to an end.

I don't know if I will be giving up the webbie, that is up to Kyle. If he wishes me to continue to do it I will just to keep myself busy. I know that pulling Gelina will pull me from the HC and the "in" of what goes on in the kingdom. Personally? I don't want to know anymore. I will be handing the admin control of the "fun board" to Kyle. He can make new passwords for the HC and so on so I can't get into it. I have no problem with that.

One of the things that prompted this letter was a post on the boards this morning. It was a post where a "guest" actually made a comment about the number of posts I have under my belt as "Lina". That is the stupid crap I am talking about. Yes it's petty. But when you pile it on top of everything that I have delt with IC and OOC, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Why in the hell do I have to sit and take shit from someone about how I post, what I post and how many I have? The answer? I don't. My reply was snotty and I don't care. I'm a snot. I admit it. And I am hard on myself. Have been all my life.

On top of everything else, my family simply needs me right now. My mother is terminally ill, some of you know this, school is pretty much over for my boys and I want to spend time with them. My husband works alot and the times that he is home I want to be with him. My brother just found out he is going to be a daddy, and I need to reform the bond with my parents again. I have no problem telling all of you this for I believe as well as you all know me, you have a right to know. I have always been open with all of you and I don't intend to stop now.

There are three or four special friendships that I have formed while rping Gelina, and I wouldn't give them up for the world. I will even be traveling this summer to meet a mun that I love dearly. Sareania mun. Then I will be making plans to go to Cali to see Maggie mun. Eventually I will make it to Mass. to see Anthony. Whether he likes it or not. ::grins:: All of you mean alot to me. More than you know actually. I am not completely leaving. I will be around, for those of you that still love me.

But the era of Gelina Dairine Grey must come to an end.

It's Time...

[kiakblackthorne]

I wish you well and I pray for your Mother. I am sorry to hear of your hard times. Sometimes though, you need to take that step back and look and what is going on to figure out what is right.

Good luck.

-Care ... Kia Mun

[the arcane artist]

You've got my email Lina mun, Check it. It's title READ ASAP.....

[silkilvin]

Wow.

Lina-mun I am impressed. Its interesting. We call these things we create here to play with online CHARACTERS. "This is my roleplay character."

Funny how sometimes our roleplay brings out our true character. The way we deal with crisis. The amount of drama we throw into the room. The way we deal with simply being a part of the kingdom, instead of being the center of attention. Even the way we handle being the center of attention. The way we deal with OOC issues and cross roleplaying. Sometimes our characters growth reflects our own. Often their turmoil gives us a place to work out trauma in our own lives.

The problem is that sometimes people get stuck in this world. I suppose that we all go through a phase where this is our best world. Its where we can be something greater than we think we really are. We can control everything about our character, and we try to control everything in this little realm. More often than not it backfires.

Peace and joy to you all.

Remember to check your character reflection from time to time.

[PaulAVincent]

Honestly I'm very impressed and your letter moved me. I'm not speaking to Gelina, I'm speaking to Shari, and I'm telling you that I understand what you're doing and that despite those feelings of not doing the right thing, you are. Anyone in a leadership role at one time felt they had alot of responisibilites, had to stick with it for everyone and make things better but the truth is... You don't owe anyone anything. No one stops and says to them self that so and so did this and so and so does that. They never realize you do anything until you stop doing it. And then you're not respected for the work you do, you're petitioned for the work you stopped doing.

The reason I can't solidly grip role playing anymore like I used to is because of one reason. The community. Any of you who are reading this and nodding your head at me, stop. I'm probally talking about 75% of you, and even if you're convinced you're not one of the ones I'm talking about you're probally wrong. The truth is when I started role playing all of almost 10 years ago times were different. This has been well documented, but what hasn't is even 3 years ago things were WAY different. AOL Roleplaying can still be fun, but it got infested with so many ungrateful snot nosed kids and truely disturbing people that it takes the fun out of it. You're probally asking me something. Who's to say they wern't always there? Well who's to say they wern't, but in the past you didn't see (These) every third line in a room so you wouldn't know.

For that reason, most of you don't understand what Lina is doing but I do. You know how much leading the kingdom is in charcter? I'd say from 0-10%. So much OOC politics get involved. You have to worry about all these variables. It's not a matter of in character content like it should and used to be. It's a matter of, "Hey, Insert Random Jerk Here made another character and tried assassinating so and so last night". It's dealing with OOC matters like websites, rule systems, keeping muns happy. No not keeping characters happy, half of them will be suicidal for life, keeping muns happy. Then the silly crap starts. The Jr. High School tradition of running around gossiping and backtalking that goes on, the real life betrayals, people faking their deaths and other major events to get sympathy. I remember someone who I won't name name's that must have lost his grandpa 5 times now and lost his only brother twice in the war in Iraq. For that matter we had a number of sickos who pretended they were shipped out to war after 9/11. No not 1, not even 2, a good number FAKED being sent. That's sick and disrespectful to those who actually were there. Boy everything I described sure sounds fun doesn't it? No? Well now you understand why Lina is doing this and why alot of us have.

You know what, if you still don't understand what or why Lina is doing this, I'll say this with complete honesty and truthfulness. Screw You! There are good bonds formed in rp, but like I said when it's on a 25% - 75% ratio of the people you'd like to know and the ones who make you sick then it's not worth it. How much crap we had to deal with, Gelina probally more than anyone because of her tendency to try to fix everything, is overwhelming. Gelina, you're letter was touching and I'm glad you have fun on your other character. Leading is a nice goal, but in the end all it is is politics and stress. I hope things work out for you and am glad you saw the light at the end of the tunnel. But I'm telling you right here, in public, if anyone ever says anything about you turning your back on them don't try to defend it or explain to them, people like them don't listen. Just give em the finger (I wish there was a smilie with the middle finger) and move on. They won't understand and aren't worth it.

To those of you shaking your heads at me, this post, and what's been said... Good. Yeah good, go to hell. Take it personal, we all did when you blasted any of us. Did I turn my back on you guys? You know what, I did. And I'm sorry to the good role players and the friends I have, but to the rest of you I'm overjoyed that you're all being left to deal with the problems you made for yourself. It's time for the babies to grow up and stop treating other people like animals. You all treated the High Council like they were getting paid, or like they were automated computer programs without flaws. You pissed all over everything that people who cared worked hard to put out there for you, over and over again. No one had to work, no one had to do anything, but you still pissed all over it, and now you have to swim in it... Fitting huh?

Shari, I'm proud of you, and I'm glad you have taken a positive step for your life. Don't feel guilty or bad, you have my and everyone else who matter's understanding.

[kiakblackthorne]

I totally agree with everything Paul just said. I started playing... 8 years agon on aol. Damn... it's been that long, 1996.

This is why I keep leaving. I can only take the rp stress for so long before I go back to the other things I do with my characters and say screw you to Goldenmyst. There are still the psycho's and sicko's in other places but at least it's not tolerated like is in Goldenmyst. They get blacklisted from their guild, forum and on a personal level.

Maybe I wasn't as active this time, but I get shit on everytime I try and bring about some change. It was like... go with the flow and let them think I am not active or... voice my opinions which normally weren't in the party line so to speak and deal with the stress for the next two weeks till something comes and diverts attention.

I know Shari has to get alot of the same shit. More so, no offense Shari.

Whatever they say DONT LISTEN this time. Just go and break free. Live your life and focus on what really matters. I am glad to see that you are making a change though. Honestly, it is really nice that your eyes are open to what some of us have seen for a long time.

Thank you for the compliment to my rping too. It really does mean alot that you respect me even though we have had our all-out drag-out drop kick differences. Although I have to say this past time was the first time I wasn't bombarded with im's from people telling me what a bitch I was for disagreeing with you. Woot! anyway. Be well Shari!

-Care

[Lord Caelum Lupus]

::Standing ovation, applause and what not::
BRAVO!! BRAVO!! HEAR HEAR!!
Au revoir mon ami, adieu... pour toujours.

#nosmileys#nosmileys#nosmileys

[silkilvin]

Wow, isn't amazing when real character starts coming out? When we all cut through the bullshit. I just don't have the words at the moment to say more.

[Kolava]

I don't have much to say. Shari, I still feel that doing this is, in a way, letting "them" win. On the other hand, your point about "I'm not having fun anymore" is pretty important, as that is the core of RPing. The reason I have never left is because I have noticed that stress in this community is always more temporary than the fun, meaning persistence and a level head are rewarded...but in the end, the choice is yours alone to make, obviously. I wish you good luck in whatever you dedicate your liberated attention to.

To Paul, my only response is to hope that I am included in that 25%, and to wonder with disgust at what type of behavior could make you feel this way (I don't have to wonder very much, it's pretty well laid out). As with what Sil-mun pointed out, the sad truth is that sincere feelings are only brought into the open on a verge of great loss. This gives an illusion of peace most of the time...but when the floodgates do burst, the resulting bedlam usually takes with it a few prized members. The alternative would involve openness, kinship, and understanding between all members--but this, considering the lack of maturity we have all painfully observed, is all but impossible.